Tuesday, July 23, 2013

This Blog Tells All

Hah-wan Pah-blo. Say it Frenchie!

Welcome to Men Tell All! Grab your guitars and your love for invisible poetry and let's dig in.

You're welcome.
We started out by joining Hare and Des on their party crashing adventures. A couple of odd things I noticed about these parties. First, not enough people were holding drinks. Second, the parties seem to be in silence and in the dark. It was actually kind of creepy. But who cares because LOOK! There is Ash and J.P.! And who is that? It's the Mesnicks with their mini-Mesnick! If you look closely, you can see Baby Riley sipping on some cab and rolling her eyes. And Trista! And then there was a party bus for some reason.

Hare then tells us that Des got some advice from our "most popular" Bachelorettes. Um, excuse me Hare, but stop lying. Jillian was not on that couch, and Ali makes me want to punch a puppy (hide Shelbs!), so you have a very loose definition of "most popular." Anyways, Em talks about Kallon, and Ali talks about Rated R. Love those blasts from the past. But somehow, Ash does not talk about Bentley. I am pretty sure J.P. has a strict no talking about Bentley rule, and that is why. P.S. Ali's roots are still terrible and she seems to be rocking the grey hair trend, just now started by Rhianna. She looks dumb (Ali, not Rhianna).

And we're back! Hare introduces the guys. From the crowd's cheers/boos, we can tell that everyone LOVES Juan Pablo, HATES James, and feels lukewarm about everyone else. Hare starts with Jonathan, the fantasy suite guy from the first ep. Now, was I the only one on earth that thought his joke was kind of funny? Yes, maybe he pressed it too much for too long, but still. It's not like he stuffed some of his warm underwear in her pocket (Hi drunk girl from the British guy's season). And I'm sorry, but Des *is* going to be the kind of girl that goes to the Fantasy Suite. Maybe not at the first cocktail party, but it is going to happen. I ask (my) Dan though, and he confirmed that the fantasy suite guy was "creepy." ANYways, fantasy suite guy says he is so happy he didn't get booed, and the prosecutor totally zings the guy by saying its because nobody remembers him. The prosecutor's justice stings, but rings true.

This just in! Brian's a coward! That is all.

HOT SEATS. I'll tell you who has a hot seat - Juan Pablo. More to come.

Ben: I hate that this guy has my son's name. Aggravating. So let's call him Sh*thead instead. Sh*thead back peddles what he said in the limo by explaining he was just at his wits end after being served so much justice from the prosecutor. For 8 hours! The other dudes still think he was up to no good, and I believe them because Juan Pablo says so. And then some guy named Dan who lives in Vegas and sells beverages says that Sh*thead's baby mama told him that Sh*thead is, like, totally a terrible father. Oh, and by the by, he was cheating on his GF when he got her PG. How sorry do you feel for little Brody right now? We are cleansed a bit from the eeewww feeling of this by Zak reminding us that Juan Pablo is an awesome dad.

James: If I were Hare, my first question would have been: So have you been out on Mikey's boat yet getting into "intimate situations" with "tall, successful" women? Holla! Work hard, play hard! Amiright??? Anyways, James tries to explain the conversation again, stating it was a "real" conversation that "real" men have. Mikey chimes in saying it wasn't a "plan," they were just talking about what would happen if things didn't work out. Kasey chimes in. Gotta love him. For some reason, as soon as Kasey says "tall girls," Mikey loses it. He stands up and starts spouting some nonsense about being a "player" on US Weekly. I think he just wanted to tell the world he was in US Weekly. Even though Kasey is way too eager, I do believe that James probably said something like - If I can get to the final four, I will have a good shot at being the next Bachelor. BURN HIM ALIVE! Thankfully, Juan Pablo gets us to put away our torches and puts it all into perspective for us. He likes James just fine, but doesn't want him dating his sister or daughter right now. I don't know about you guys, but I think Camilla is probably a bit too young for him anyways. And probably not "tall" enough.

Juan Pablo: Did you know he has a daughter? Her name is Camilla, and she is adorbs. Unfortunately, Juan Pablo can't date because he spends all weekend hanging with her. He also has to fight the terrible stereotype of being a crazy hot sexy lov-ah due to his Latino soccer player status. What does he want from life? A wife who he can have a couple of kids with, eat breakfast, and watch movies. If you are a single woman right now and not filling out your application to be on the Bachelor in anticipation of Juan Pablo being the Bachelor, then you are crazy. Who doesn't like to eat breakfast and watch movies? I LOVE eating breakfast and watching movies! Let's do this Bachelor Nation. Make it official. Juan Pablo for Bachelor.

Zak: Zak explains the reason why he is so intense is because he is on an oil rig for six months out of the year and *really* wants a wife dammit. So I decide to cut him some slack. I immediately regret that when Hare pulls out the journal that Zak gave Des and reveals there is a poem written in invisible ink on the back page. (my) Dan chimes in at this point and wonders if Zak is in the third grade. I guess because only third graders think invisible ink is cool. Hare asks Zak if Des read it. Zak doesn't know. This confuses me. Did she know there was something written in invisible ink in there, or was she just supposed to comb the pages with a black light on the off chance that there was. Who knows. Hare reads the poem. It was a bit uncomfortable, but over quickly. I thought, phew. No more awkwardness from Zak tonight....

Here come Des! Immediately, she throws up in her mouth a little bit remembering fantasy suite guy, but accepts his apology. She comments that Sh*thead seemed insincere, like he was putting on a persona. And I thought - exactly! He is so smug. She calls out James and says he was manipulating her on the steps. I agree. And then James breaks the cardinal rule of the Bachelor Nation. He says that Des was in a relationship with 25 guys. DISGUST. Doesn't he know that she is just on a special journey to find love!

Des gives absolutely no good reason for not giving Juan Pablo a one-on-one date. Sad. Maybe he was TOO SEXY! TOO SEXY! (Remember that Antonio Banderas skit?) Well, it looks like we can all relax now. All of the awkwardness is ov- Oh no. What is happening? No. NO. ZAK, PUT DOWN THE GUITAR. Whyeeeee is this happening to me? *This* is what makes me throw up in my mouth a little. In the words of Rachel Zoe, I die.

Hare says the finale is in two parts! Yay! So there is still two episodes left, they just decided to do Men Tell All early. Phew. The scenes are super-dramatic and Des seems to really lose it. The crowd is in utter shock, mouths are really catching flies.

I can't wait until next week! I am a little disappointed that they didn't ask Bryden why he felt the urgent need to leave in the middle of Des' one on one with Swimfan. But that's ok. See ya'll next week! For longer hilarious recaps, I like the gal over at ihategreenbeans.com.

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