Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I Guess Antigua is NOT the Perfect Place to Fall in Love

Yikes. Last night's ep of the Bach was RAW. Why can't Brooks just love Des??? Geez! Anyways, I feel like we all knew something was coming with Brooks because of how clear they have been about him being the frontrunner. I try not to read Reality Steve, but from reading the ew.com recap, I read that his spoilers were wrong. So yay for that at least.
I bet Des was wishing she could break Brooks' finger again...
Welcome to the television event of the summer! We are treated to all of the ups and downs that Des has experienced along the way. Then, Des gets to reflect on her three guys she has left. Once again, she is clear that Brooks is the only guy for her. We are treated again (subjected?) to their dorky "adjectives" for their feelings for each other.

Onward! We start with Des' date with Drew. I feel like Drew is a stranger to me. Because I am close, personal friends with the rest of them. But what I mean is, he is just like a Ken doll robot. Anyways, here is what Des finds attractive about Drew, in order: (1) Abs (2) Eyes (3) Face. Huh. Guess she is not a butt girl. Notice she didn't include slicked hair.

They spend their date exploring the island and just happen upon a "locals party." How convenient! Des wants to feel the music in her bones and just dance! This is not nearly as awkward as the weird lederhosen dance she and Swimfan were doing in the random courtyard in Germany in front of confused strangers. One local weaves a heart out of leaves and demands that they kiss. Unfortunately, their dinner is rained out. They talk so much about how it is totally not a big deal and totally does not ruin their night, which makes me think that they were bummed. Whatevs, Drew decides this is a good time to basically propose. He is ready to spend the rest of his life with Des! Or at least the next few hours on this rose-petaled bed.

Before we get to Swimfan's date, we go with Brooks to visit his mom and sister to talk about his feelings for Des. It's been two whole months and he just doesn't feel ready to say he loves her or to marry her! He explains to them that he is about to have his "exotic" date with Des. I see his sister raise an eyebrow at "exotic." I guess he used that word because he didn't want to say "overnight," but "exotic" isn't any better. May I suggest "last date before I meet her family?" Anyways, someone is NOT on cloud nine. He's uncomfortable and not in love. Mom and sis tell him that he's gotta be honest.

Then we have to try to erase all of that from our mind for Des' date with Swimfan. To distract us, Des wears a sweater/vest top that was previously ravaged by a shark. With a bikini top and khakis. It's like she just threw on whatever was around. They hop onto a helicopter and fly to a deserted beach. My first thought on these "deserted beach" dates is  - where do they go to the bathroom? Are there portapotties? Do they sneak out to the woods? Go in the ocean? Hold it? THESE are the behind the scenes questions I want answered! Anyways, they feed each other watermelon, frolick in the ocean, and generally have a good time.

Later on at dinner, they have a legitimate conversation about where they would live. It is always so strange when they talk about practical decisions of life after the Bachelorette. I love it. It was like when Jef and Emily actually talked about religion. (Sad that didn't work out though). WHYEEE can't Des love Swimfan. He could read her poetry ALL DAY LONG! ALL DAY SON!

[Another random behind the scenes thought. During their overnight, when the cameras are off, don't you think the contestant would be like, so what's the real deal? Are you going to choo-choo-chooose me or not? I would. But I'm pushy like that.]

They head on over to the overnight suite, and you guessed it, Swimfan recites poetry. They get hot and heavy in the pool, and then we have to use our imaginations, because we're outta there.

Brooks is still being whiny and he needs to talk to Hare. Hare wants him to boil it down for us (thanks Hare) - is Brooks not in love with Des or just not *sure* if he is in love with Des? At first he wanes, but then he drops the hammer. He's not in love, and he's gotta tell her. To rub salt in the would, it's not him, it's her. He's ready, he swears, he just doesn't love her. There will be tears folks.

Feel free to Mesnick on a Balcony, Des
Cut to Des. In clear contrast with her haphazard outfit choice for Swimfan's date, you can tell she chose her best blue bikini, white shorty-shorts, and breezy mullet shirt for her date with Brooks. She does look pretty cute. I'm jealous a bit. Then I realized she is about to get her heart broken on TV. But still, she looks great.

She immediately knows something is up when Brooks walks toward her, probably because he looks like he is entering a haunted house. They take an aggressive walk down a mile long pier (it seems like) and finally arrive at a place they can sit and talk. During this walk, I think about their "adjectives" for love, and I am thinking that Brooks is moon walking backwards. Anyways, it is BRUTAL. Brooks DRAGS it out. When Des says she misses him everyday, and she is realizing that he could care less, I feel for her. She asks him why he is doing this now, and he says because he finally just knows now. She says she was at the "finish line" for him. And then she curls up into a ball and cries. Sad. They walk again, I guess to where Brooks will be taken away, and he is all, what now? Um, you leave obv. And then she drops the bomb that she only wanted to give her heart to him, not the other guys. Take that Brooks! When Brooks is by himself, he says that this is the worst day of his life! Dan laughed at this, and it was kind of funny the way he said it.

I was kind of hoping that Des with go on the date solo and drink herself into oblivion. But instead, she went back to the Pier of Sadness to cry more. She really needed a double rainbow.

How are they going to fill two hours next week? Will she rally and try to choose either Swimfan or Drew? I hope not, because that relationship will NEVER work once either guy sees the show. Will Brooks come back and realize he made a terrible mistake? If this happens, I hope he makes a crazy grand gesture and not some lukewarm discussion about how his feelings have changed. Gals love grand gestures, and sometimes we need them in order to feel validated in taking a guy back after they have broken our heart.

Until next week! If you are looking for more to read, ihategreenbeans.com posts funny recaps! Also, I just found that Jillian has been giving her thoughts over on parade.com. I (heart) Jillian. She was definitely the best Bachelorette. Although, two terrible things were spawned from her season: Jake Pavelka and Ed's 80s shorts.

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